Responding to the Emotion of Anger
Anger is a very powerful human emotion. But it's not so powerful that it can't be managed. An excellent starting point: realizing that when we constructively manage our anger we gain greater resiliency in our lives.
Anger occurs much more frequently than you might imagine. In fact, on average, men and women become angry (defined as ranging from impatience to hostility) approximately 20 times each day.1
How much do you know about anger? More importantly, what do you know about your own anger? Does it serve you well, or does it add stress to your relationships? Are you able to get in touch with your anger . . . and manage it?
Triggers
The first step in effectively managing anger is to identify the kinds of situations and events that trigger it. The following are just a few things that can trigger the emotion of anger.
- Someone hurts our pride.
- Someone shows disrespect.
- Someone puts us down, humiliates or embarrasses us.
- We become targets of others' anger.
- Our expectations are not met.
- We feel tired or overwhelmed.
- We have trouble finding a moment to ourselves.
- We lack money or emotional support, etc.
Recognizing Anger in Ourselves
Recognizing what triggers our anger can help us subdue it. But a second, and equally important step, is to recognize how anger manifests itself in our daily lives. Some common examples:
Physiological - You may find yourself feeling flushed or hot, tense or irritable; you may experience a headache, stomachache or a rise in blood pressure.
Cognitive - You may engage in negative self-talk such as: "It's not fair." "No one cares." "I am being picked on." "He/she is the reason I am angry." "They should not be allowed to ..."
Behavioral - You might actually strike someone, or blame, isolate, threaten, demand, shout or act out.
By being aware of the effects of anger on our bodies, minds and behaviors, we can begin to address and reduce it.
Managing Your Anger
Anger generally provides an indication that something must change. For example, we may need to change our reactions, our negative thinking, our cynicism, or our criticism of others. Identifying the causes of anger, deciding what changes need to be made, and employing anger-management skills such as the following are key to gaining influence over this strong, often misdirected emotion.
Determine Your Anger Style. Is your anger style predominantly active or passive? Do you hold your anger in or let it explode? Often, one of the greatest difficulties in working through anger is that we become self-righteous. We believe that our anger is totally justified because, after all, "I am right, they are wrong." We may go so far as to think that remaining angry – or even resorting to revenge and punishment – are the only (and justified) courses of action. So, it's important to take note of how we hold on to our anger, how we express it and what we do with the energy it creates.
Monitor Your Anger. Keep a record of the times you get angry and what triggers the emotion. Is there a predictable trend to your angry feelings? Look for patterns of circumstances or behaviors that lead you to the boiling point. Self-awareness and ownership of our personal behavior are critical to learning to manage anger's social, emotional and physical effects on us.
De-Escalate Your Anger. While easier said than done, it is important to find ways mentally and/or physically to detach and gain perspective from the immediacy of the anger. Some suggestions: Get a drink of water; count to 10; take a walk; breathe deeply; use mental imagery to relax; put your thoughts on paper; draw pictures; and/or talk positively to yourself. When you de-escalate, you buy time, which can help you balance your emotional energies.
Out-Think Your Anger. Don't paint yourself into a corner. Identify ways in which you can resolve your feelings constructively; be creative in developing viable options and alternatives. With anger comes energy. How can you best use this energy and provide prudent choices for yourself?
Plan in Advance for Potentially Difficult Situations. Identify those situations in which you may have the greatest difficulty managing your anger, and minimize your exposure to them. Also, create options and strategies you can use while you are in the middle of these situations to minimize possible damage and risk.
Develop a Support System. Nurture relationships with family, friends or significant others who will listen to you vent your frustrations. Don't force them to become allies; rather, allow them to listen and provide support – as well as objective feedback. Expressing yourself to others can help you acknowledge and diffuse some of your feelings and gain a clearer understanding of the situation.
Develop Realistic Expectations of Yourself and Others. Learn to review the expectations you have for yourself, for others and for the world in general. Taking one day at a time can help us put life events into perspective and balance.
Stay in Shape for Life. People who are in good physical shape tend to bounce back from anger episodes more quickly than those who are not. Learning to balance the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of our lives can reap great benefits as we face life's challenges.
Learn the Power of Forgiveness. Avoid imprisoning yourself or others with your anger. Learn to let go.
Anger is an unavoidable part of the human experience. But chronic, unresolved anger can make life difficult for you, your family members and your coworkers. The good news? We can learn to manage the energy associated with anger, resentment, hostility and frustration -- and create a more satisfactory life both at home and at work.
1 - Brian Luke Seaward Ph.D., director, Inspiration Unlimited and Rocky Mountain Stress Management Seminars, and author of Stressed Is Desserts Spelled Backward, 2003.